#23 How to set Compassionate Boundaries

[: 00:00:00

[00:00:25] Natalie: Now some of you have been asking how can you hear me at one of my speaking engagements? And it's not always that easy because a lot of them are close to the public. However, I've got something cooking and I'm saying it out loud for the whole world to hear, so I can hold myself accountable. I've got a wellness workshop that I'm working on that will be virtual so anyone can attend, and I'm actually planning for it to be a series with different additions and themes.

[: 00:00:52

[00:01:21] Natalie: Action. So this time we are actually celebrating my little sister Ruth. She recently started a staging business for short-term rental properties. She developed her business pitch and presentation. We rehearsed together and she went on to book her first two clients back to back in the same week. Ah, amazing.

[: 00:01:39

[00:02:07] Natalie: Last week we were talking about travel and how it can be a form of self-care, and I really hope you found that episode valuable. It was so fun for me to record. Today we're gonna be talking with something that I think a lot of people struggle with, and even a lot of my clients struggle with this, and this is boundaries.

[: 00:02:29

[00:02:53] Natalie: And what I would do instead is just kind of withdraw or detach myself from the person or situation instead, but then I get upset afterwards and I would vent to a friend or complain and you know, I just kind of realize this wasn't healthy, but I kind of still kept going with it. I didn't really have a better way.

[: 00:03:14

[00:03:41] Natalie: I love that we can change ourselves, we can improve ourselves, we can learn, we can grow. We don't have to stay stuck. That's just so exciting to me. I love personal development and self-help, which I think you can kind of figure out from how these podcasts go. So anyways, I would read every single book I could find on boundaries and I started implementing all of the tips.

[: 00:04:02

[00:04:21] Natalie: And I absolutely love working with clients or just even giving advice to friends, strangers, online, et cetera, about how they can set boundaries. I don't know if this is weird, but I really like giving advice and helping people because I, I really think that's one of my God giving gifts. It's just helping people understand how they can apply something to their specific life and situation.

[: 00:04:43

[00:05:10] Natalie: Advice and support, and I'll just give my 2 cents because I've always been told I give really good advice and you know, I just like helping people. It's like my way of making the world a better place. Just a small little thing. And I also know what it was like to be in a place where, you know, you just feel confused and lost and you're just searching for advice and support because you just feel stuck and you don't really know what to do.

[: 00:05:36

[00:05:54] Natalie: And boundaries are what allow you to protect your space. Your body, your mind, your emotions, your values, your limits, and once you establish these boundaries, it helps you to really foster a sense of safety for your own self, of self-respect and emotional wellbeing. And when you establish and enforce these boundaries, then you're able to have healthier relationships with people.

[: 00:06:20

[00:06:42] Natalie: And one of the difficulties in setting boundaries is cuz a lot of people struggle with how to express themselves. Their needs, their preferences because they're worried about guilt or conflict, or they just wanna please others. And this is especially true when it's someone that's close to you. That's why it's harder.

[: 00:07:01

[00:07:23] Natalie: So now when they push back, you start to, you know, take a step backwards, and it's almost like they start to overpower you. And so this is how that conflict arises and it becomes a struggle or a tug of war for control, and nobody wants to be in that situation. The other thing is that a lot of people struggle with feeling guilty.

[: 00:07:44

[00:08:08] Natalie: This is really coming from like a scarcity mindset and operating out of fear and desperation, and it is just not healthy. And we'll come back to this in another, in just like a couple minutes. But when we think about boundaries, you know, a lot of it is really tied to self-worth if you do not feel worthy.

[: 00:08:32

[00:08:57] Natalie: Not just set the boundaries, but enforce the boundaries, then the boundaries are really not gonna work out that well to be honest. And a lot of people just think like, oh, boundaries aren't that important. And you know, maybe it's for more empowered people or whatever. But boundaries is actually directly related to our mental health.

[: 00:09:19

[00:09:49] Natalie: So research has shown that individuals who experience repeated boundary violations are actually at a higher risk of developing mental health issues, including anxiety disorders, P T S D and depression. And that part about repeated boundary violations is really important. And I'm sure we all know someone who's in a toxic situation or a very unhealthy situation.

[: 00:10:14

[00:10:36] Natalie: And I really wanna encourage you to find ways to take that power back because it's your life and you've gotta protect yourself cuz you are worth it. So I want us to dig a little bit deeper into mindset and let's tackle some of the subconscious beliefs that people have around boundaries, because as you know, I'm obsessed with mindset and mental wellness and how this impacts our lives.

[: 00:11:04

[00:11:27] Natalie: When you establish healthy boundaries, you are prioritizing your own wellbeing because you recognize that you are worth it. You are aware of your self worth and agree that you are worth protecting, whether it be your body, your emotions, your mind, your resources, your peace, et cetera.

[: 00:11:48

[00:12:14] Natalie: And if those people truly value and respect you, they will understand and appreciate your boundaries. Now, it might not happen right away, but if you are having an open conversation and you are being transparent and honest about how you really feel and how certain actions or behaviors are bothering you, Or making you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.

[: 00:12:36

[00:13:17] Natalie: Another thought is that boundaries will lead to conflict and it will push people away. This is a really, really big one, especially when the people are close to you. And I have two things to say about this. Number one, you have to accept that people won't always accept or respect your boundaries.

[: 00:13:34

[00:13:57] Natalie: The second thing is that you cannot operate from fear. You need to operate from a place of confidence in yourself and your self-worth. And if you struggle with boundaries, I'm telling you, nine out of 10 times it's related. It's directly related to self worth. So you really need to start there before even worrying about setting boundaries in the first place.

[: 00:14:18

[00:14:39] Natalie: I really believe that boundaries can be firm, but compassionate. And I believe this because I saw it play out in my own life. I remember when I was reading a lot of the books, they kind of, you know, they said boundaries have to be firm and you have to be hardcore and you have to say no and this and this and that.

[: 00:14:57

[00:15:23] Natalie: So here are a couple things that I did. In some cases, I wrote letters, and I really made sure to include what I valued about the person and our relationship. I expressed gratitude and I thanked them for the role they had in my life. I reaffirmed, I reaffirmed their importance in my life, and then I asserted my boundary, and this was to ensure that to the best of my ability, I communicated that they mattered to me, and I hope the boundaries could be respected so that the relationship could be maintained.

[: 00:15:52

[00:16:21] Natalie: So sometimes maybe if I had to do a letter, maybe I would include a gift or a special trinket that would just kind of soften the blow in how it was being delivered. Or maybe the space I would choose a, uh, maybe a safer physical space or. A more calm or I guess, uplifting physical space so that when we had that conversation, the setting helped for it to not be so difficult.

[: 00:16:51

[00:17:10] Natalie: Bring a support person for themselves so that as they hear this information, they don't just feel like they're being attacked. Right? So like, you know, it's just even like, okay, sitting around the couch in front of a fireplace, having a conversation about boundaries can be very different from on the phone, but can be very different from a letter, but can be very different from standing up with your arms crossed, right?

[: 00:17:34

[00:17:54] Natalie: Like you need to figure out what you're comfortable with, what you're not comfortable with, and then that, that self-awareness is what's gonna help you make those boundaries more effectively. So some questions you can ask yourself are, Why am I establishing this boundary in the first place? What is happening?

[: 00:18:12

[00:18:28] Natalie: So now I'll just give four practical tips for how you can set boundaries that are compassionate and effective. So the first I would say is to practice setting boundaries in small steps.

[: 00:18:40

[00:18:58] Natalie: It's too much. But you can start with five pounds. So let's start with a five pound situation. So just get into the practice of making requests, even as something as simple as at a restaurant. Let's just say you order something, maybe asked to have it made a certain way or to have something removed. Now I know, and trust me, I used to work in a restaurant.

[: 00:19:24

[00:19:54] Natalie: And another example is you can start to decline invitations, like, especially if you don't want to ghost to something, just start by saying, no. And if you have to blame it on somebody else, for now, honestly, it's okay. I'm not judging you. I won't tell anybody. Okay? You just have to find a way to start building that muscle.

[: 00:20:13

[00:20:37] Natalie: I think a lot of times people are not quite so confident in how they're going to handle the situation, or they're afraid there's gonna be a curve ball thrown at them or a comment, or you know, something that kind of ends up leading to a dispute and they don't wanna get into that whole messy conversation.

[: 00:20:55

[00:21:18] Natalie: How can I develop my communication skills and just still be assertive in what my needs are? And also to just get feedback in terms of how your delivery is coming across. Because sometimes, and I've, I've had to definitely work on this for myself. I'm a. Pretty blunt person. I definitely tell it like it is, but I've also gotten feedback in the past, especially when I was younger, that it was coming across very, uh, very harsh.

[: 00:21:45

[00:22:15] Natalie: The third tip I would give is that if you find it difficult to assert yourself or if you find that you often stumble over your words. Or you might get intimidated during a conversation or maybe you often get cut off and you don't like that. I would really recommend you use written communication instead.

[: 00:22:36

[00:22:57] Natalie: And it can be very intimidating to be sitting across from somebody that you love and that you care about and be entering into what could be a different, difficult conversation around boundaries. So I like to recommend to my clients that, you know what? Set an, set it in writing. First, it could just be the initial conversation.

[: 00:23:18

[00:23:42] Natalie: Right? And, and I really try to use I statements and just kind of focus on like, this is how I am feeling in this situation. But when you're talking, I find a lot of times when you're talking, it's easy to just blame the other person and say, you, you, you, you, you. So by writing it, it really gives you time to process and reflect.

[: 00:24:00

[00:24:27] Natalie: And the reason I say this is because a lot of times people will say, oh, but I don't wanna like cut that person off completely. Or I'm scared to lose this relationship and I don't want it to destroy what we have. But at the same time, they know that they just can't continue on this in this way because it's affecting their mental or emotional wellbeing.

[: 00:24:47

[00:25:09] Natalie: Did this person respect me? Did anything change? How do I feel now? And then you can decide, okay, I need to now extend the boundary further. Or you can reduce or remove the boundary because now the person's behavior towards you has changed and you don't anticipate those behaviors or those actions happening again.

[: 00:25:32

[00:25:51] Natalie: They can be picked up and moved. They can be destroyed. I think so many times people think boundaries mean that they're stuck for life and they have to do this. No, the boundary can be temporary. You are the one in charge of what this boundary looks like. So be empowered to craft the boundary, to be in alignment with what is going to work for you and what's gonna feel right for you.

[: 00:26:12

[00:26:41] Natalie: It can be a wide range of topics that might be how to decline an invitation or how to reduce contact with someone, or how to let your parents know. you're not happy with the way they treat you, right? There's so many different examples. So you can just go online and look for it. And if your situation is very specific, I'd be happy to help you create a personalized boundary script to add to your own wellness toolbox. So just send me a message or an email.

[: 00:27:10

[00:27:35] Natalie: So reading those scripts helped me to stay really focused and it, it was like a kind of a sense of power that I was able to borrow from these words on the paper to just get across what I needed to get across. And so I definitely recommend that tool. And the second tool that I would recommend is just having a strong support system to help you with not just guidance, but also encouragement in in setting these boundaries.

[: 00:28:00

[00:28:18] Natalie: I can't believe you're gonna cut off this friendship that you've had for 37 years, right? Like there's so many people. Ah, like all of this chirping in the background and you've gotta quiet those people up. And you've gotta find the support system and the people who are going to support you in the choices that you've made, that you have decided are best for you and are in alignment with.

[: 00:28:42

[00:29:11] Natalie: So what happens is that people start to second guess themselves and they start to backtrack. They start to make little exceptions, and then they start to, uh, lighten the boundary or loosen it. And then, you know, we're right back to square one. So just this week I was actually working with a client who, you know, was dealing with some family boundaries and, you know, she texted me last night.

[: 00:29:37

[00:30:01] Natalie: So support really can help make all the difference because at the end of the day, you are trying to protect your own wellbeing. And if you don't set the boundaries well that is what's at risk. So for today's call to action, I want you to spend some time and just ask yourself, do you feel like there are any areas of your life where you're either being taken advantage of or you don't like how you're being treated, or you don't like how you feel, and if you identity, well, if you identify any such area, I want you to think about how can you establish boundaries to protect yourself, and then just write out what it is that you're going to say to that person.

[: 00:30:41

[00:31:01] Natalie: How do you feel? What do you notice is happening in your body? What's happening in your physiology? And if you're smiling, you know what to do.

[: 00:31:14

[00:31:34] Natalie: In closing, boundaries are not about controlling others. They are about protecting yourself. Be empowered and encouraged to do what you need to do for your own mental health and wellness. If you're on your own wellness journey and you wanna get started, they'll know the free wellness assessment and to show notes to show you where the gaps are so that you can start working on them right away.

[: 00:31:55