#13 How to Overcome Mom Guilt

#8 How to overcome mom guilt

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[00:00:24] Natalie: So feel free to send me an email or a DM on my new Instagram account, Natalie Mullin, and let me know if this is resonating with you. Do you agree or disagree with my views? And do you, what other opinions do you have to add to the conversation? Last week we talked about the 12 elements of wellness, and I hope you found that wellness wheel helpful and were able to use the tracker to figure out where you are in your wellness journey.

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[00:01:10] Natalie: We're able to take action and move the needle forward today. I wanna shout out Caroline. Caroline really wanted to practice more self-care. She's very involved in her work, in her volunteer commitments, and was struggling to find time for herself and Caroline bit the bullet, and finally booked those yoga classes that she was meaning to do, and she's going on Sunday, and I'm so excited for you, Caroline.

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[00:02:07] Natalie: And I will include the link in the show notes if you wanna find out more about it. If you've been listening to my podcast, you know that I have a young son. He is 20 months old, so he is just over a year and a half, you know, so I know. I never really understood why people say they're kids ages in months, but.

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[00:02:45] Natalie: I just do things differently and it was really strange to me that others wanted to. Ascribe or dictate or expect me to act a certain way or to do certain things based on their experiences of motherhood. I remember I went, my husband and I went on our 10 anniversary and everybody was asking, how did your son, like, we went on a curbing cruise, and they were like, how did your son like the cruise?

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[00:03:42] Natalie: When my son was younger, I would go to do something. I'd go out with my friends, or we'd go for a night's stay or just do different things, and I'd have all these other moms ask me, how did your son do? What did you do with your son? What was it like going with your son? And I would explain that he wasn't with me, and they looked at me in shock.

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[00:04:32] Natalie: I would still travel, I would still hang out with my friends. I would still go out and do different activities, and all of these would be separate from my mom identity because those things are important to me. So we'll talk about that a little bit more later. But from last week, you know that relationship is one of the 12 elements of wellness.

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[00:05:15] Natalie: I'm gonna give you a moment to answer that question. We're gonna come back to this later. Who are you?

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[00:05:52] Natalie: And there are several reasons for why moms might feel mom guilt. One might be they're a working mom and they have a career that takes away time from their family. They might not be able to attend all of their child's activities or events. Maybe they're too strict or they're not strict enough. When it comes to disciplining, they're not quite sure which one is right.

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[00:06:37] Natalie: They might blame themselves if their child is not developing at the same level and pace as other children. Maybe they feel guilty for giving their child fast food or prepackaged food instead of freshly prepared healthy meals. Honestly, there are tons of reasons for why moms might feel guilty. Guilty, and some of them are very personal and those moms might not ever reveal them.

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[00:07:29] Natalie: I want you to evaluate your motherhood journey so far, whether you're a few weeks in or maybe several more years. What? I speak to a lot of moms and I just happen to have many of my clients who happen to be moms. A reoccurring theme, I sense, is a detachment from self. Somehow along the way of their motherhood journey, they've forgotten who they were before they had kids.

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[00:08:12] Natalie: If you have experienced mom guilt, I want to know how is this impacting you? You might feel increased stress and anxiety or maybe a reduced self-esteem, and it's affecting your confidence. It could strain your relationship with your partner or your spouse and potentially even reduce job satisfaction and work performance.

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[00:08:53] Natalie: I want us to tackle some of the subconscious limiting beliefs that those experiencing mom guilt might have before I give you the practical tips of how we can overcome this. One belief is that I'm not doing enough for my child, and I really want you to think about this in a different way. You are doing the best you can.

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[00:09:55] Natalie: Where all of the burden of child rearing didn't just fall on the moms. It was a community task. You had aunties and grandmothers and other women who were a part of the child rearing experience. So I want you to know it's okay to ask for help when you need it. Seek out support, whether from family, your spouse, friends, or paid professionals that can help you be a better mom and create a community of care where it's not just on you.

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[00:10:53] Natalie: So by acknowledging even if you make a mistake, so what you learn, you grow, you improve. Another belief is that you should always prioritize your child's needs above your own. And this is just dangerous. You have to take care of your own wellbeing. It is essential for you to be the best mom that you can be and to be the best mom that you can be.

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[00:11:49] Natalie: Everybody wrote their titles. So they might write that they're a mom, or they're a wife, or they're a teacher, or whatever the different things are. And my answer said that I was a lifelong learner, a dreamer, a traveler, and a lover of life. Because at my core, that is truly who I am. So I want you to go back and look at the answer.

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[00:12:31] Natalie: Both are, it's fine, but I want you to do this activity again and say, who are you, aside from your roles? And just really get to the core identity of who you are as a person, as a woman. And so going back to this idea, once you know who you are and you really celebrate that individual, it's important to take care of that individual by practicing self-care.

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[00:13:23] Natalie: Did any of those thoughts resonate with you? I know for myself, the one that I personally struggle with at times is that other moms seem to have it all figured out, and I feel like as a new mom, there's just so much, I don't know. And when I was on mat leave, I had a lot of time, so I was able to Google everything and I watched tons of videos and blogs and downloaded apps, and I was able to learn a lot.

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[00:14:09] Natalie: But I've learned that, you know what, I've gotta give myself grace. Because if you don't know something, the best thing you can do is ask questions, talk to other people, and observe and understand that self-compassion is important. I know for myself, this is my first rodeo and no one gave me a handbook when my son was born.

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[00:14:56] Natalie: My son is happy, loved, cared for, and safe, and the same goals for your child. So I want you to change the idea and the expectations you have around the type of mother you're supposed to be. Everyone says Moms are superheroes, and we are no doubt about it, but sometimes this honor can also be very burdensome.

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[00:15:37] Natalie: Let's talk about some practical tips, tools, and strategies that we can use to overcome mom guilt and the very first step. Of course, you know what I'm gonna say? It's about awareness. We have to recognize that we have mom guilt. We have to understand what those feelings are, what the triggers are, and acknowledge when it occurs.

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[00:16:17] Natalie: Whatever time you are able to spend with your child, let it be a time of quality where you are present in the moment. Put down the phone, turn off the devices. Look at your child in their eyes. Touch their cheeks. Let them touch yours. Maybe your kids are older, still look them in their eyes. Tell them you love them, and just have really connected time, and you might not get it right all the time.

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[00:17:17] Natalie: The meaningful moments are more important, and the quality of time is more important than the frequency or duration of the time that's spent. Another tip is to seek support. If you are feeling this guilt, I encourage you to talk to your partner or spouse or other family members who can support you and even your friends.

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[00:17:53] Natalie: It can be a really lonely and isolating experience, so reach out to other moms who might be experiencing similar things and just talk to each other because that way you know that you're not alone. And also you could try hanging out with your friends or looking for Mommy and me groups, if that's your thing.

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[00:18:27] Natalie: Awesome to help out once in a while. Maybe you need to pay for daycare or a babysitter, nanny after school, club, camp, whatever. Depending on the age of your children and what you realistically can afford, what makes sense for your family. Maybe it's friends from a community group that help out, or maybe it's your neighbors.

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[00:19:07] Natalie: So set aside time to indulgent activities that you enjoy, that fill your cup, bring you joy, and make you feel like you, maybe it's lying down on fresh grass, staring at the sky, or reading, taking a walk, swimming, dancing. Going out for girls night or having a bubble bath, it's gonna be different for each person.

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[00:19:51] Natalie: Focus on your own journey. Celebrate your successes, and be gentle with yourself when things get rough, you are a great parent and just let go of all the unrealistic expectations that say otherwise. Now, I wanna give you a few tools and resources to help you on this journey of overcoming mom guilt. The first tool is journaling, and I want you to consider just journaling about.

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[00:20:42] Natalie: This practice has been very meaningful for me personally, and it's so nice when I get to go back and read about my son's life when he was younger and also about my own journey as a mom, and I'm glad to say I'm so much more confident now than I was at the beginning, so I definitely have made progress.

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[00:21:22] Natalie: There are apps that you can use and guided meditations available, such as Headspace and Calm to support your mindfulness journey. I was gonna suggest specific resources like parenting books and podcasts, but I've decided to change my mind. I think as moms, we're just inundated with all these books and videos and apps and podcasts, all these things that we need to follow about how to parent your child and be a off.

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[00:22:15] Natalie: Even for myself, I had some people that we're a little suspicious of how I'd be as a mother. That's fine because they don't know. Let me tell you, I am proud. I think I'm a great mom and I'm proud of myself. And sometimes you have to build up your own confidence when people are not cheering you on around you or they're just not on the same page as you.

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[00:23:02] Natalie: You are great all by yourself, so don't try to be anybody else For today's call to action, I want you to write down five things that you did not know how to do before you became a mom that you now know how to do like a pro. Whenever you feel mom guilt, I want you to look at that list and give yourself an applause.

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[00:23:41] Natalie: I know your head is filled with so many questions and wonderings and ponderings. Listen to me. You are a great mom. You are doing your best and that is enough. If your child is happy, safe, secure, and loved, you are doing enough. I invite you to say today's affirmation with me. I am deserving of grace and compassion as I navigate motherhood.

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[00:24:30] Natalie: Make sure to subscribe to my weekly newsletter that has wellness tips to support you on your wellness journey. And follow me on IG and TikTok. I'm gonna try a thing. This podcast is brought to you by Captivate Podcasting Platform. You can start a free trial by clicking the link in the show notes. Until next time, continue to serve yourself, your loved ones, and your community from a full cup.